Everyone Needs a Support Group… Doesn’t Mean I’m not Crazy

I’m getting overwhelmed by everything I “have to do” right now. And sadly, the more overwhelmed I get, the less likely I am to do any of it. I just get tired. Like down to the bones, aching tired. I think all day about all the things I need to get done that I can’t as long as I have a three-year-old trying to wrestle onto my lap. Then when his bedtime rolls around, all I have energy to do is crawl into bed.

I have a novel 3/4ths of the way drafted, with people who have already stated an interest in beta reading… and I haven’t written a word on it in weeks. Every other writing project is fairing about the same.

The only thing I’ve managed to write is a few one-off horror stories. Which I can only assume is because there was no pressure to write them. I sat down, dumped out my thoughts, vented my hidden bloodlusts and was done. I have this fear that if I edit my horror pieces more than a good once over I’ll just stop writing them.

But the biggie is… I have my novel out with agents and editors, waiting on a response. There is nothing I can do about that. Nothing. But somehow it puts extra weight on the other things like somehow if I just wrote more on my fantasy novel, or finished that rough draft, or finished editing my paranormal-scifi… somehow that would help my chances.

It’s like a noose just hanging over my head. Not doing anything but waiting to swoop down and destroy me at any moment. I feel like shouting “I can’t do this! I’m not strong enough, I give! I’m out.”

I won’t because I can’t. There is nowhere to go but forward. So I pile these projects around myself to keep busy and then I drown in them.

I’ve found myself wondering this week if it will always be like this. Will the possibility of rejection always hang this heavy? Why can’t I just find a way to find contentment?

Speaking of… on a completely different note— my novel Deprivation is a fraction away from 20k views. All week, that’s the thread I’ve been holding onto (and trying desperately to keep my brain from reminding me that 20k isn’t nearly 200k or 2 million… I really need a zapper to silence that voice.)

Visit The Insecure Writer’s Support Group

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Runner Up is Fine by me

Ever won anything? Not me. I figure, I’m saving all my good luck for something big. I happily collect rejection letters. If I only win one in one hundred,  I better grab up those first ninety-nine.

So, seeing my name as runner up in a writing competition is huge.

Check out the entry:

http://www.wattpad.com/105679480-sci-friday-metal-mayhem-our-children-grow

When I wrote Our Children Grow and entered it was more about practice writing for a prompt than with visions of glory. I’ll accept no naysaying either, runner up is glorious. Because its someone, who isn’t my mom, telling me ‘Wow, you really are good enough.’

Keep trying. Try harder. Try more often. I got that down. But sometimes its nice to hear, from someone who might know, your trying will pay off. I think as a writer, as an artist, as a person, you don’t survive if you don’t let the little victories feel monumental.

 

Checklist

I’m one of those insane people that needs to write out a list in order to get anything done. Not because I’ll lose track or I think I’ll forget something. Until I write my goals down I have this overwhelming looming feeling of being overwhelmed. Rather than responding sanely to having a plethora of tasks to complete, I shut down and do nothing. If I didn’t have to get out of bed in the morning I’d probably just hide under the covers 24/7.

Thus after weeks of sleeping too much and hands shaking, I sat down and wrote out the things I needed to do. Once I write it down it looks so small.

So I did it. Not all of it yet but a good 2/3’s of my list is already completed. A large portion of that being setting up this lovely sight (and calling a preschool to schedule a viewing, but that is neither here nor there in terms of my writing.) Once I set up a facebook author profile I’ll be good to go.

Yes you read that right. I was overwhelmed to the point of sluggishness by three things on my to do list. In my defense all the usual things were on there as well. These were just three additional.