I’m starting to get overwhelmed by everything I ‘have to do’ right now. And sadly, the more overwhelmed I get the less likely I am to do any of it. I just get tired. Like down to the bones aching tired. I think all day about all the things I need to get done, that I can as long as I have a three year old trying to wrestle onto my lap an then when his bedtime rolls around all I have energy to do is crawl into bed.
I have a novel 3/4ths of the way drafted, with people who have already states an interest in beta reading… and I haven’t written a word on it in weeks. Every other writing project is fairing about the same.
The only thing I’ve managed to write is a few one-off horror stories. Which I can only assume is because there was no pressure to write them. I just sat down, dumped out my thoughts, vented my hidden bloodlusts and was done with it. I have this fear that if I start to edit my horror pieces more than a good once over I’ll just stop writing them.
But the biggie is… I have my novel out with agents and editors, waiting on a response. There is nothing I can do about that. Nothing. But somehow it puts extra weight on the other things like somehow if I just wrote more on my fantasy novel, or finished that rough draft, or finished editing my paranormal-scifi… somehow that would help my chances.
It’s like a noose just hanging over my head. Not doing anything but waiting to swoop down and destroy me at every moment. I feel like shouting ‘I can’t do this! I’m not strong enough, I give! I’m out.’
But I won’t, because I can’t. There is nowhere to go but forward. So I pile these projects around myself to keep busy and then I drown in them.
I’ve found myself wondering this week if it will always be like this. Will the possibility of rejection always hang this heavy? Why can’t I just find a way to find contentment in what I do have?
Speaking of…on a completely different note- my novel Deprivation is a fraction away from 20k views. I think all week that’s the thread I’ve been holding onto (and trying desperately to keep my brain from reminding me that 20k isn’t nearly 200k or 2 million… I really need a zapper to silence that voice.)